Officials announce new AI Data Centres to calculate why heat dome happening

OTTAWA – With much of Canada and the United States gripped by an unseasonal heat wave, federal officials have announced construction of new natural-gas-intensive data centres, aimed at using artificial intelligence to solve the mystery of the high temperatures.

With weather forecasts across North America reaching well into the 40s, Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced that Canada will analyze climate data using advanced AI, which is provided by data centres that raise surrounding temperatures by an average of two degrees Celsius.

“For decades now, temperatures have slowly been rising all across the industrialized world,” announced the PM as he strained to not sweat through his wool suit. “Now, the only way we can possibly learn why temperatures are climbing is to ask AI large language models to do the learning for us, regardless of the surely-unrelated strain placed on Canada’s power grid and water supplies.”

Looking westward, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith echoed Carney’s call to build more data centres.

“Alberta has spent years ignoring the effects of oil extraction on our climate, so we’re completely prepared to do that for AI as well,” vowed Smith while coughing due to exhaust from a nearby AI data centre. “Also, there’s no need for Albertans to limit their power usage, because I’m sure AI will solve that problem for us too!”

In a related story, US President Donald Trump clarified that he actually knows that AI data centres contribute to climate change, he “just doesn’t give a shit”.